Trigger Warnings, Baby Announcements and Other Shit

Okay I didn’t know this was a post I was going to write but I need to vent I need to speak out because I have spent years suffering in silence. I have a shit tonne of health conditions, impingement and fluid on my knees underactive thyroid and most recently Endometriosis. I had my children very young, because of this I never got the excitement other people got, family members didn’t want to know but I had to just shrug my shoulders. Now because of this all I have ever known is to be a mom I left school and went straight into mommy mode. I adore my kids and that’s the reason I knew I wanted more! I do everything for them I haven’t even thought about myself in nearly 7 years nights out are a no go, I barely even get to go to the toilet in piece. That’s how I like things I love being a mom and I’m incredibly blessed to even get that chance.

I am still very young much younger than the typical mother and I have recently been confirmed to have endometriosis. This effects fertility (My underactive thyroid also effects fertility which is why we agreed to have our second as soon as we could) mainly the excruciating pelvic pain is nothing compared to the pain I have had to cope with mentally. Rewind 2 years ago: I got married I was in great health and wanted so much to have another baby. Mr wasn’t ready so I wasn’t going to be pressurising him into having a child he didn’t want. I waited and waited and last year we finally agreed to have another child, once I got better. After 3 operations in 12 months I now know I won’t ever get better I’ll only ever get worse(I’m having to race against my endo so that I am still fertile the clock is ticking and I don’t even know if it’s stopped for good). So we agreed to try for a baby(If by some miracle I can have one) We were supposed to start after my op by Mr wanted to wait until my post op appointment for the all clear, That’s not until the end of May/June so that was the final decision.

Now for the deep emotion shiz, my worst nightmare is to be told I cannot be a mother carrying and birthing a child to me is the most wonderful thing anyone could experience. Since I was told I may have Endo I have been super emotional. I have cried myself to sleep most nights. Most of my recovery wasn’t physically healing but me crying because I’ve had the choice taken away from me at such a young age. I feel completely alone in this Mr is all I have to rely on and even then I am still not getting much understanding. To make it worse I know at least 5 very close friends/ family member’s that are currently pregnant, I have to smile and be happy for them but deep down its one hell of a kick in the ovaries. I hate feeling like this I am in no way a bitter or nasty person but every time some snarky comment is made or I get an invite to a baby shower My heart sinks I really need to distance myself from anything baby at the moment and it’s difficult as hell.

I haven’t spoken to anyone about us wanting another child because I’m afraid it will never happen and with me doing this I’m keeping everything bottled up and everyone just thinks I’m being a jealous/ pathetic dick to them. In all honesty it’s not about them , I’m just crying out to be heard I just want someone to consider my feeling and the struggle I’m going through before they gush over how they can’t wait to have a baby ect.  If people came with Trigger Warnings I’d be happy!

I have not had any empathy in the slightest since my diagnosis bearing in mind I already had a chronic illness that effects fertility now I have two I’m swimming upstream against the current whilst every other fish is swimming past me in the opposite direction. I’ve had a few comments like: “Well it’s a good job you had kids young then (after I’ve been ridiculed for this!)”, “Well you’ve already got kids”, “Focus on the kids you have some people have none”, “You could get a surrogate!( my personal favourite!)” and even comments about how rude I’m being. I feel like no one is taking my feelings into account. I have to worry about saying anything to upset these people or even make sure i don’t burst out crying, it’s easy to fake a smile but unfortunately it’s not easy to fake how i feel to myself.

So where am I at? I feel like I need to make some serious life decisions right now. I have to start to cut negative people from my life those who aren’t going to understand or at least be mindful of what I’m going through. I mean it’s easy to just say oh that person has nothing to do with you so how’s that stopping you having a baby? what’s stopping me having a baby is my illnesses and I want so much for me not to be affected by it, Yes it’s nothing to do with me I want to desperately to be happy for them but it actually does affect me. I am reminded constantly about my failure of being a woman my reproductive system hates me and the very thing that makes me a woman is slowly trying to kill me. I am not jealous I want to be happy for these people however I cannot go through the struggle of trying for a baby I probably won’t have whilst I watch others go through pregnancies that where easy as pie. Every period I have will be a reminder that it may never happen and that’s something I have to deal with alone. But for the time being bear with me I am healing and I’d really appreciate your kind words right now, I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to hide how I’m feeling or put on a brave face to make you happy. I’m going through some tough shit I don’t need added stress on top.

I just wish those close to me could be mindful and even speak to me about what I’m going through I haven’t even had chance to explain how I am feeling or my struggles all I want is a listening ear who won’t judge or make snarky comments and currently I’m not getting that. I need to heal, I need to be thought after and I need any comfort I can get right now.

This isn’t my usual post for my blog but I really need to let my emotions out, It’s such a taboo that most people hide and have to suffer alone I don’t want to hide any longer putting a smile on my face when I am hurting is way too much effort for me I don’t have the time or spoons.